I hate writing on this fucking blog.  its just writing  a whole bunch of crap that no one will ever read because no one is interested in my 'wonderful' life!  i am a completely crap wife.  i never encourage, support, hug, kiss or even make love to my husband.  why he hangs around, i dont know.  maybe he sees something that i cant.  i dont know what to do anymore.  nothing i say is positive.  i bring down everyone around me.  WARNING!!! stay far away from me.  im unpleasant to be around.  feel sorry for my husband - he has to live with me!  does anyone want to take my place?  ive lost all hope.  sticking my finger down my throat to be thin is my only hope.  i hate being touched, fuck, i even hate sitting.  all im aware of is my super fat rolls.  if i could just be thin i would be happier at least and then i would have a better marriage.  2 years and already the fire is completely dead! - all MY doing and i accept that.  i just dont know how to change it.  i cant do it on my own - i need professional help. im just a dark, gloomy could of a person.  i should have been a germit.  i wouldnt affect anyone then.  i just wallow in complete self hatred and cant get out.  i see no hope, no positivity, no light at the end of this crap dark world i call my life.  oh well.  signing out until my next crappy day of over endulging and suicidalness.